This weekend I spent time with my family...both of them. The first I've known all my life. 2 eccentric second cousins (every family seems to have those...they remind me of the sisters from the Simpons.) , an aunt, my parents, my younger brother and his fiance. The adults sit around their brandy old fashions and talk about older relatives I don't know or complain about inflation, politics, and money. It's a small family with mostly older relatives, my brother and I are the youngest and pretty much the only ones left. I love them. However, I am blown away by the differences between this family and my other family, so to speak.
2 days later I went to visit my birth mom. I'm adopted and 2 years ago I met my birth mom and in turn, a populus, energetic bunch of uncles, cousins, half brothers, nieces and nephews. I went over and was greeted by the four cutest kids yelling "AUNT BETH!" and running around. We ran around, tickled, and they told me how school was going. I talked with my sister in law who told me that she decided to begin following Jesus (wow!) and wanted to share in this together with me. Maureen (birth mom) gave me a long hug and she asked me if I wanted to meet some of her friends from highschool. We went to a dive Mexican bar (great food and cheap margaritas) where her five friends proceeded to stare at Maureen..then at me, then back at Maureen, then back at me.. then hug us, and then ask us to tell the story of how we met, then exclaim how we should be on Oprah (this is the reaction 80% of the time..I can almost predict it :) I find it difficult to identify words that describe the emotions associated with being adopted and then 22 years later finding your birth mom and being friends with her.My 2 families are day and night to each other.
It's a little bit of culture shock every time I visit them and see the differences. The nature versus nurture argument is still going strong within me, as I make guesses as to what quirks came from who- adoptive family or birth family.
Every time I consider this unique set of circumstances, I find myself curious about God's purpose in orchestrating my life in this way. Plucked out of one family, put into another, and then later connected to both. It's interesting. It's a little emotional. It's hard to describe.
In the meantime, I'm thankful for nieces and nephews, a new sister (and now sister in Christ), 2 tall skinny black haired half brothers, and a loving birth mom who still tears up every time we see each other.
It has been a catalyst for much thinking about God's plans with my life and who I am and what has made me that way.The way God weaves people in and out of our lives can sometimes facade as chance, but let us not be deceived. God has woven people, family, and friends into your life not by chance but by purpose. He surely has his purposes in this unique set of circumstances. He has chosen who our families will be..or will not be and there divine and good purpose in that and that may be easy or possible to really identify.
In the past 2 years I've been reminded about where my identity lies. No matter who I look like or act like, before I am a Berke and before I am Maureen's birth daughter, I am HIS. He created me, shaped me, formed me, set my life in motion, and ordained who would be woven in and out of it. He created you, shaped you, formed you, set your life in motion, and ordained who would be woven in and out of it. There's purpose in all of this. In your life, in my life, in who our families are, in who are families are not, and in who you are: your personality, your quirks, dislikes, likes, strengths, and weaknesses.
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received a Spirit of Adoption/Sonship. And by him we cry "Abba, Father" The Holy Spirit testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." Romans 8:15
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Monday, November 26, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Expecting the Unexpected
I claim to be a flexible person. Friends might say I'm "laid-back." I tell myself that I am open-handed with my life and trusting of God's sovereingty. But, these past few days, I've witnessed how easily untrue that can be.
I met with the missions pastor at my church this week to talk about the steps I'm taking towards Afghanistan. We had a great conversation about God as a Shepherd, God's work in Afghanistan, all the things I still needed to do before I go (the list is ever growing!), and finally, the pastor gently, pastorally reminded me of the 3 year policy our church has. I remember him mentioning this policy last year when I first started getting involved. To be formally endorsed as a missionary from this church you have to have been there for 3 years. I clung to the clause he included in the description of the policy, "but sometimes it's flexible depending on the situation." Upon bringing it up, he asked me if I would be willing to commit to the 3 year policy, he asked me if I could "wait to go..." or if I was going to bust a move to Central Asia without the church behind me (in so many words...:) I hesitated. I was hoping to go as soon as possibly- probably early 2009 and, doing the math, this would put me at the end of 2009. I gulped back that thing that was welling up in my throat- I think you might know what I mean..that ball of something that starts to rise from your stomach up into your throat when you get nervous, when a rush of tears is a blink away from flooding out of your eyes, and/or you have to make a decision that is directly related to what you desire most in life. I felt all three.
I completely understand the policy and their objectives in holding to it and I think it's a good idea...I wholeheartedly want to be as connected as possible to this family! I wanted this church to be involved in this.. SoI tried really hard (and i think I did an okay job) to not look dissapointed, and I agreed.
I shook off the immediate feelings of nervousness and dissapointment, continued the conversation, and was encouraged as Pastor Ron prayed for me. I walked out to my car reminding myself that God has a purpose in everything, even in what appears to be a, delay. I got in the car and within a minute, my desires for my agenda rose to the surface.
......."The idea of being here 2 more full years before I can go makes my heart cringe.. 2 full years! I'm going to be an old lady before I even get to start what I feel God is calling me to. This doesn't make sense. I know God has plans for these next 2 years that are no doubt, for His glory and my good, but why would someone who is willing, ready, and desiring to go ASAP have to wait 2 years! I feel like this has already been a loooooong process totalling 6 years and more importantly, Afghanistan is a place in need of laborers....."
Really, this only a 6-8 monthdifference to when I was planning on going. Not that big of a deal, what's 6 months in the big picture? But my dissapointment was symptomatic of something deeper.
I spoke with a friend that night over chicken shwarma, who has been in Afghanistan for the past 2 years and earlier that week I spoke with a friend who is headed to Thailand. Both friends reminded me of the same thing at the end of our conversations, "Beth, even your dreams are not your own. Who do you think gave you those dreams and desires? You have to be open handed with them, just as you are the other areas of your life."
oooh, conviction set in. THEY WERE RIGHT! God was gracious to show this blind spot to me through them and their refreshing honesty. And it's true. I don't mind giving up other things in life,; comfort, money, freedoms, "success" according to our culture. But honestly, the ONE thing that would be the most gut-wrenching for me to give up is going. I can't image not going to Central Asia. I can't imagine not doing what I want to do more than anything. There has been loss and change in my life that has really rocked my boat, but THAT would be the hardest.
My friends reminded me, even this dream must be held with open hands before God, the one who gives and takes away.
Even these dreams are His.
His desire is for my worship, for my faithfulness, for responsiveness to His leading. These next 2 years are His, just as my dreams of serving in Afghanistan are. I'll keep aiming for the dream, but now with hands not clenching them tightly, things might look different than I expect, hope, or dream. He is a loving Shepherd. He is wise in His timing, and even if I am an old lady when I finally get to Afghanistan, He will be wise in having done that. ...and I'm sure he'll provide a walker.
Lord,
Our dreams are yours. You have created us and planted desires within us and God, we surrender those to you. Our lives our not our own. We will worship you wherever we are, however long we are there, with whatever we do have ,and despite what we do not have. You are worthy. Forgive us (me!) for our short sightedness. To you be the glory, from every tongue, tribe, and nation. Amen.
I met with the missions pastor at my church this week to talk about the steps I'm taking towards Afghanistan. We had a great conversation about God as a Shepherd, God's work in Afghanistan, all the things I still needed to do before I go (the list is ever growing!), and finally, the pastor gently, pastorally reminded me of the 3 year policy our church has. I remember him mentioning this policy last year when I first started getting involved. To be formally endorsed as a missionary from this church you have to have been there for 3 years. I clung to the clause he included in the description of the policy, "but sometimes it's flexible depending on the situation." Upon bringing it up, he asked me if I would be willing to commit to the 3 year policy, he asked me if I could "wait to go..." or if I was going to bust a move to Central Asia without the church behind me (in so many words...:) I hesitated. I was hoping to go as soon as possibly- probably early 2009 and, doing the math, this would put me at the end of 2009. I gulped back that thing that was welling up in my throat- I think you might know what I mean..that ball of something that starts to rise from your stomach up into your throat when you get nervous, when a rush of tears is a blink away from flooding out of your eyes, and/or you have to make a decision that is directly related to what you desire most in life. I felt all three.
I completely understand the policy and their objectives in holding to it and I think it's a good idea...I wholeheartedly want to be as connected as possible to this family! I wanted this church to be involved in this.. SoI tried really hard (and i think I did an okay job) to not look dissapointed, and I agreed.
I shook off the immediate feelings of nervousness and dissapointment, continued the conversation, and was encouraged as Pastor Ron prayed for me. I walked out to my car reminding myself that God has a purpose in everything, even in what appears to be a, delay. I got in the car and within a minute, my desires for my agenda rose to the surface.
......."The idea of being here 2 more full years before I can go makes my heart cringe.. 2 full years! I'm going to be an old lady before I even get to start what I feel God is calling me to. This doesn't make sense. I know God has plans for these next 2 years that are no doubt, for His glory and my good, but why would someone who is willing, ready, and desiring to go ASAP have to wait 2 years! I feel like this has already been a loooooong process totalling 6 years and more importantly, Afghanistan is a place in need of laborers....."
Really, this only a 6-8 monthdifference to when I was planning on going. Not that big of a deal, what's 6 months in the big picture? But my dissapointment was symptomatic of something deeper.
I spoke with a friend that night over chicken shwarma, who has been in Afghanistan for the past 2 years and earlier that week I spoke with a friend who is headed to Thailand. Both friends reminded me of the same thing at the end of our conversations, "Beth, even your dreams are not your own. Who do you think gave you those dreams and desires? You have to be open handed with them, just as you are the other areas of your life."
oooh, conviction set in. THEY WERE RIGHT! God was gracious to show this blind spot to me through them and their refreshing honesty. And it's true. I don't mind giving up other things in life,; comfort, money, freedoms, "success" according to our culture. But honestly, the ONE thing that would be the most gut-wrenching for me to give up is going. I can't image not going to Central Asia. I can't imagine not doing what I want to do more than anything. There has been loss and change in my life that has really rocked my boat, but THAT would be the hardest.
My friends reminded me, even this dream must be held with open hands before God, the one who gives and takes away.
Even these dreams are His.
His desire is for my worship, for my faithfulness, for responsiveness to His leading. These next 2 years are His, just as my dreams of serving in Afghanistan are. I'll keep aiming for the dream, but now with hands not clenching them tightly, things might look different than I expect, hope, or dream. He is a loving Shepherd. He is wise in His timing, and even if I am an old lady when I finally get to Afghanistan, He will be wise in having done that. ...and I'm sure he'll provide a walker.
Lord,
Our dreams are yours. You have created us and planted desires within us and God, we surrender those to you. Our lives our not our own. We will worship you wherever we are, however long we are there, with whatever we do have ,and despite what we do not have. You are worthy. Forgive us (me!) for our short sightedness. To you be the glory, from every tongue, tribe, and nation. Amen.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Miles to Go Before I Sleep
I started this blog in February and then forgot about it. BUT, i was inspired by my friend, Danika Potters 'blogging' and thought it a good idea to begin posting to share things that I'm learning and ways that life is changing. Stay tuned! Here's a piece of my last newsletter update that I sent out:
I came upon a Robert Frost poem, “Stopping by the Snowy Woods for an Evening” a few weeks ago and it implications have since gripped me. I want to share it with you. It’s about a person who is on a journey and stops to gaze at the woods as it snows. He is taken by the lovely scene and tempted to stay longer. However, the speaker acknowledges the long journey he has ahead and his obligations to keep. Here is the poem:
"Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
I especially like the last stanza. It really struck me because it’s true. I have a calling to live out, a purpose to be fully engaged in and a journey to continue on despite setbacks, distractions, and weakness. There is still a considerable distance to be traveled and I/We must continue to walk on. We all still have “miles to go” friends… keep journeying!
It has been officially a year since I moved from Chicago to Wheaton for Grad School at Wheaton College! I’ve been working on an MA in Intercultural Studies and actually have only one semester left before I graduate! (again) My time here has been incredibly equipping and shaping. Truly, I believe God has wanted me here and He has taught me so much, academically and personally, in my first year after college. Classes like Cross Cultural Research, Contextualization, Principles of Development, Second Language Acquisition, and Intercultural Communication have exposed me to valuable principles necessary for effective and sensitive cross cultural work. I am so thankful for this past year and the opportunity to study here!
One of the highlights has been the exposure to the field of transformational development. As you know my desire is to work among unreached people groups and to be a part of the church planting process. The past year I have seen how much God has made me for development work! My vision is to, in partership with others, strive to address and work towards meeting the multifaceted needs of communities and individuals with the foundational purpose of clearly making the hope of Jesus Christ known. For me, that's what this is all about. Development can be used as a platform for church planting, since evangelism naturally stems from the relationships you build in the community. It’s a great fit for some of the abilities God has given me and I see this as being a core part of my career/life. There are many niches within development and I am still exploring those, but currently am most interested in working in the area of women’s health, community health, and pre and post natal care. [In developing countries, an alarming amount of women and children die from completely preventable causes both in childbirth and after.]
I took a small step in receiving further training this summer when I began correspondence training to become a [doula],- a birthing assistant. A doula serves a family or woman by assisting her/them through the child labor process. I am slowly making my way through the course work and the intention is to use this knowledge overseas in working with women and their families.
Over the past year God has used relationships, classes, and circumstances to further shape my understanding of His vision for my life! That is priceless. What began long ago as an “interest in missions” has become increasingly specific and is a journey that has demanded waiting, listening, trusting, and….continued walking. It’s exciting times!
After many years of growing interest in missions and saying “Send me!”this past year the Lord has directed my interest towards a specific country in Central Asia.
After attending a conference regarding this country, it became clear that this “interest” I had was His sovereign doing and I sensed so deeply His nudge to move forward to pursuing a career in this country. I called PIONEERS to tell them I sensed His leading to Afghanistan and they were supportive, encouraging, and not surprised. My excitement was uncontainable for several days after as I enjoyed the pleasure of knowing His leading. Oh, how few and far between those moments of deep certainty and unmistakable leading can be; I treasure them when they occur.
I joyfully and warmly INVITE YOU to continue walking this journey with me, sharing in His faithfulness and pursuing His glory as the steps continue to unfold.
The Next Steps
After making this decision, my “timeline,” in faith, looks like this:
September to December: Finish grad school
January and February: Continue Doula training, work, be involved at my church, and raise support for….
March to June: A vision trip to Central Asia that includes visiting with teams, different NGO's, experiencing what it's like to live there, seeing how God is at work, and with open hands praying for His leading.
July through 2009: Live in Wheaton, raise support for long term work, spend time serving at my church, receive training in Community Health, and prepare for departure.
Spring/Summer 2009: Depart and begin a career in development with the vision of church planting in Afghanistan.
JOIN ME…
In being engaged in taking the HOPE and
HEALING of Jesus to our communities- in
Wheaton, Chicago, Wisconsin, etc.
and to Central Asia.
Email me with comments, questions, and
an update on how you are doing!
With Many Miles to Go,
Beth
Greetings Friends and Family!
I came upon a Robert Frost poem, “Stopping by the Snowy Woods for an Evening” a few weeks ago and it implications have since gripped me. I want to share it with you. It’s about a person who is on a journey and stops to gaze at the woods as it snows. He is taken by the lovely scene and tempted to stay longer. However, the speaker acknowledges the long journey he has ahead and his obligations to keep. Here is the poem:
"Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
I especially like the last stanza. It really struck me because it’s true. I have a calling to live out, a purpose to be fully engaged in and a journey to continue on despite setbacks, distractions, and weakness. There is still a considerable distance to be traveled and I/We must continue to walk on. We all still have “miles to go” friends… keep journeying!
It has been officially a year since I moved from Chicago to Wheaton for Grad School at Wheaton College! I’ve been working on an MA in Intercultural Studies and actually have only one semester left before I graduate! (again) My time here has been incredibly equipping and shaping. Truly, I believe God has wanted me here and He has taught me so much, academically and personally, in my first year after college. Classes like Cross Cultural Research, Contextualization, Principles of Development, Second Language Acquisition, and Intercultural Communication have exposed me to valuable principles necessary for effective and sensitive cross cultural work. I am so thankful for this past year and the opportunity to study here!
One of the highlights has been the exposure to the field of transformational development. As you know my desire is to work among unreached people groups and to be a part of the church planting process. The past year I have seen how much God has made me for development work! My vision is to, in partership with others, strive to address and work towards meeting the multifaceted needs of communities and individuals with the foundational purpose of clearly making the hope of Jesus Christ known. For me, that's what this is all about. Development can be used as a platform for church planting, since evangelism naturally stems from the relationships you build in the community. It’s a great fit for some of the abilities God has given me and I see this as being a core part of my career/life. There are many niches within development and I am still exploring those, but currently am most interested in working in the area of women’s health, community health, and pre and post natal care. [In developing countries, an alarming amount of women and children die from completely preventable causes both in childbirth and after.]
I took a small step in receiving further training this summer when I began correspondence training to become a [doula],- a birthing assistant. A doula serves a family or woman by assisting her/them through the child labor process. I am slowly making my way through the course work and the intention is to use this knowledge overseas in working with women and their families.
Over the past year God has used relationships, classes, and circumstances to further shape my understanding of His vision for my life! That is priceless. What began long ago as an “interest in missions” has become increasingly specific and is a journey that has demanded waiting, listening, trusting, and….continued walking. It’s exciting times!
ENGAGED
■ to bind oneself to do something; ■ to pledge oneself;
■ to begin and carry on an enterprise or activity ■ to hold the attention of;
■ to enter into contest or battle with; ■ to bring together or interlock;
■ to deal with especially at length;
After many years of growing interest in missions and saying “Send me!”this past year the Lord has directed my interest towards a specific country in Central Asia.
After attending a conference regarding this country, it became clear that this “interest” I had was His sovereign doing and I sensed so deeply His nudge to move forward to pursuing a career in this country. I called PIONEERS to tell them I sensed His leading to Afghanistan and they were supportive, encouraging, and not surprised. My excitement was uncontainable for several days after as I enjoyed the pleasure of knowing His leading. Oh, how few and far between those moments of deep certainty and unmistakable leading can be; I treasure them when they occur.
I joyfully and warmly INVITE YOU to continue walking this journey with me, sharing in His faithfulness and pursuing His glory as the steps continue to unfold.
The Next Steps
After making this decision, my “timeline,” in faith, looks like this:
September to December: Finish grad school
January and February: Continue Doula training, work, be involved at my church, and raise support for….
March to June: A vision trip to Central Asia that includes visiting with teams, different NGO's, experiencing what it's like to live there, seeing how God is at work, and with open hands praying for His leading.
July through 2009: Live in Wheaton, raise support for long term work, spend time serving at my church, receive training in Community Health, and prepare for departure.
Spring/Summer 2009: Depart and begin a career in development with the vision of church planting in Afghanistan.
JOIN ME…
In being engaged in taking the HOPE and
HEALING of Jesus to our communities- in
Wheaton, Chicago, Wisconsin, etc.
and to Central Asia.
Email me with comments, questions, and
an update on how you are doing!
With Many Miles to Go,
Beth
Monday, February 19, 2007
becoming but not belonging
I'm heading to Germany in a week and a half and have spent any spare time trying to piece together endless details for a 2 week, last minute trip! I spent yesterday surrounded by people I love, cup of coffee in hand, listening to stories illustrating our family history. My grandfather (Adolph Berke), born and raised in Germany, was drafted for the german army just before WWII. After fighting in WW2, escaping a POW camp, he then fled to Western Germany to seek asylum from the invading Russians and their communist regime. Having fled once, leaving practically everything he owned behind, he snuck back into East Germany to find his wife and take her to Western Germany. Together they crawled through fields and forest during moonless nights constantly aware of the life-threatening nearness of the Russian army. At one point, they stopped in their tracks after seeing a light under a tree-a Russian soldier lighting a cigarette. If they would have continued without seeing him light up, the soldier would have heard them making their way through the brush and likely would have shot them.
In Western Germany they settled, refugees in a village called Roessing. Dirt poor, my grandpa hired himself out to weed other farmers fields and eventually worked in a salt mine, which was the most dangerous job at that time. Being desperately poor, at times he would steal potatoes from a field in order to feed his children and wife (my aunt, father, and grandma). After 9 years he sold everything they had to come to America. A church in Wisconsin sponsored them, similar to the way a person can sponsor a child with Compassion. They packed a trunk, set out on a 10 day boat ride, came through Ellis Island, and began to try and make ends meet in America. My grandfather became a carpenter, building his own house and others, my grandmother cleaned houses.
In a week I will be able to put face and places to these stories. Both of my grandparents are gone, but some of their siblings still live in Western Germany. I will be spending a few days hearing their stories, (recording it all...), learning more about my grandparents and their experience, and enjoying Germany. Then I will go to the village where my father was born and find his old house, the school, and the salt mine where my grandfather worked! Then it's off to exploring the rest of Germany...
Part of my earthly heritage exists in the lives and memories of these 2 refugees..Adolph and Ruth. poor, victims of war, and wanting a better future for their family....they became displaced people. This puts a new spin on my view of refugees and internally displaced people in the world. now, in a small small small small way, i can connect with their stories a little bit more than I could before I understood the experience of my grandparents and father. I wonder how many of us have this type of a heritage. Many I am sure! Maybe you can connect with your story? I value this information so much because I know that If I didn't hear these stories that they would not be remembered or passed on after my generation. (in my case, literally..none of my second and third cousins in Germany had ever asked the older generation of family to share about this and they all were eager to hear the stories once we got started...) We are all students of history, keepers of history, and makers of history. Who will tell these stories if we do not?
I really am a refugee even now. I am a displaced person, a vagabond. I do not belong here.I am becoming something everday, something better, something stronger, at times, something weaker,...but never becoming to belong. I am becoming but not belonging.
Final thoughts: I started this blog intitially to be able to post a bit as I travel and share the journey with anyone that wanted to be in on it! I'll keep it up especially as I travel overseas longterm for update purposes.
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