Expecting the Unexpected

I claim to be a flexible person. Friends might say I'm "laid-back." I tell myself that I am open-handed with my life and trusting of God's sovereingty. But, these past few days, I've witnessed how easily untrue that can be.

I met with the missions pastor at my church this week to talk about the steps I'm taking towards Afghanistan. We had a great conversation about God as a Shepherd, God's work in Afghanistan, all the things I still needed to do before I go (the list is ever growing!), and finally, the pastor gently, pastorally reminded me of the 3 year policy our church has. I remember him mentioning this policy last year when I first started getting involved. To be formally endorsed as a missionary from this church you have to have been there for 3 years. I clung to the clause he included in the description of the policy, "but sometimes it's flexible depending on the situation." Upon bringing it up, he asked me if I would be willing to commit to the 3 year policy, he asked me if I could "wait to go..." or if I was going to bust a move to Central Asia without the church behind me (in so many words...:) I hesitated. I was hoping to go as soon as possibly- probably early 2009 and, doing the math, this would put me at the end of 2009. I gulped back that thing that was welling up in my throat- I think you might know what I mean..that ball of something that starts to rise from your stomach up into your throat when you get nervous, when a rush of tears is a blink away from flooding out of your eyes, and/or you have to make a decision that is directly related to what you desire most in life. I felt all three.
I completely understand the policy and their objectives in holding to it and I think it's a good idea...I wholeheartedly want to be as connected as possible to this family! I wanted this church to be involved in this.. SoI tried really hard (and i think I did an okay job) to not look dissapointed, and I agreed.

I shook off the immediate feelings of nervousness and dissapointment, continued the conversation, and was encouraged as Pastor Ron prayed for me. I walked out to my car reminding myself that God has a purpose in everything, even in what appears to be a, delay. I got in the car and within a minute, my desires for my agenda rose to the surface.
......."The idea of being here 2 more full years before I can go makes my heart cringe.. 2 full years! I'm going to be an old lady before I even get to start what I feel God is calling me to. This doesn't make sense. I know God has plans for these next 2 years that are no doubt, for His glory and my good, but why would someone who is willing, ready, and desiring to go ASAP have to wait 2 years! I feel like this has already been a loooooong process totalling 6 years and more importantly, Afghanistan is a place in need of laborers....."

Really, this only a 6-8 monthdifference to when I was planning on going. Not that big of a deal, what's 6 months in the big picture? But my dissapointment was symptomatic of something deeper.

I spoke with a friend that night over chicken shwarma, who has been in Afghanistan for the past 2 years and earlier that week I spoke with a friend who is headed to Thailand. Both friends reminded me of the same thing at the end of our conversations, "Beth, even your dreams are not your own. Who do you think gave you those dreams and desires? You have to be open handed with them, just as you are the other areas of your life."

oooh, conviction set in. THEY WERE RIGHT! God was gracious to show this blind spot to me through them and their refreshing honesty. And it's true. I don't mind giving up other things in life,; comfort, money, freedoms, "success" according to our culture. But honestly, the ONE thing that would be the most gut-wrenching for me to give up is going. I can't image not going to Central Asia. I can't imagine not doing what I want to do more than anything. There has been loss and change in my life that has really rocked my boat, but THAT would be the hardest.

My friends reminded me, even this dream must be held with open hands before God, the one who gives and takes away.

Even these dreams are His.

His desire is for my worship, for my faithfulness, for responsiveness to His leading. These next 2 years are His, just as my dreams of serving in Afghanistan are. I'll keep aiming for the dream, but now with hands not clenching them tightly, things might look different than I expect, hope, or dream. He is a loving Shepherd. He is wise in His timing, and even if I am an old lady when I finally get to Afghanistan, He will be wise in having done that. ...and I'm sure he'll provide a walker.







Lord,
Our dreams are yours. You have created us and planted desires within us and God, we surrender those to you. Our lives our not our own. We will worship you wherever we are, however long we are there, with whatever we do have ,and despite what we do not have. You are worthy. Forgive us (me!) for our short sightedness. To you be the glory, from every tongue, tribe, and nation. Amen.